


Be Still, My Foolish Heart

by DarthAbby



Series: Lover, Be Good To Me [2]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Pronoun Shift, Trans Male Character, Trans Trapper McIntyre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24612700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthAbby/pseuds/DarthAbby
Summary: Trapper wasn't always Trapper, but Louise was always there for him.(Don't need to read the first story to understand this one)
Relationships: Louise McIntyre & "Trapper" John McIntyre, Louise McIntyre/"Trapper" John McIntyre
Series: Lover, Be Good To Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779385
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Be Still, My Foolish Heart

**Author's Note:**

> When I wrote the first fic, I intended it to be pure smut and a one-and-done sort of thing, but the idea and characters kept growing. Which is why the first fic is almost 8k, and this second fic even exists.
> 
> The college scenes are set somewhere in the mid 2000s, as the first fic (where Trapper and co. are in their 30s) is set more around present day.

He stared at the lesbian flag hanging up on the wall above Louise's bed, stomach rolling with nerves.

_ This is a bad idea. _

But… it was  _ Lou. _ She was his girlfriend, his  _ best _ friend. They'd known each other for years, now. She would understand. She  _ had _ to understand. Because he couldn't lose her.

He didn't know what he would do if he lost Lou, especially over this.

"Okay, I got the snacks!"

He looked up with an automatic smile, seeing Louise in the door with a large bag of Cheetos, a package of sour gummy worms, and a handful of candy bars.

She looked so  _ excited _ and ready to go forward with their usual hangout routine of MarioKart and cartoons, and he felt his courage vanish.

_ I can tell her some other time. _

"Great," he said, gesturing to the side table, where a two liter of cherry Coke was waiting. "I got the drinks. You ready to get your ass kicked?"

"You  _ wish, _ honey," she scoffed. "Budge up."

He made room for her on the edge of the bed as she set down the snacks and turned on the tiny TV set up on her dresser.

_ Yeah. Some other time. _

* * *

They had met in eighth grade, because there were more girls than boys in their grade, and when they learned some basic dancing in gym class as part of some dumb 'cultural' push the school district was excited about, the teacher had ended up with six girls extra.

"McIntyre, pair up with Pierce."

Louise was already very tall and self-assured, so she had turned and immediately started leading.

"I'm Lou," she introduced as they started a very clumsy waltz.

"I know," she said, feeling a blush rise. "You're one of the most popular girls in school. Uh, I'm Becca."

"Nice to meet you!" She sounded sincere, and Becca smiled. "Hey, aren't you the one that pantsed Spencer Jones during the last pep rally?"

She flushed a deeper red. "Y-yeah."

Lou laughed delightedly. "That was  _ amazing! _ The little jerk had it coming!"

She grinned. "I got in a  _ lot _ of trouble, but it was worth it."

"You know, Becca, I think you and I are gonna be good friends."

And even though Louise Pierce was one of the most popular girls in school, being smart and athletic and very pretty, and all Becca McIntyre had going for her was one pantsing of a bully and a head for science, something about the look in Lou's eye said that she really meant it.

* * *

"Becs!"

The name made his heart twist uncomfortably, but he turned with a smile anyways, because he recognized the voice. "Hey, Lou."

She jogged up with a smile and slung her arm over his shoulders - it wasn't as far of a reach as it once had been. Though Louise had hit her growth spurt early, he had shot up like a weed in high school, until they were eye level.

"So, I was thinking, there's a party tonight over on 3rd street, the whole softball team is going -"

She chattered on, and she was beautiful, and he was so alone. 

He thought of the flyer at the bottom of his backpack, the one that said the campus LGBT Club met the first Tuesday of every month in the coffee shop in the student union. The one that promised a  _ 'welcoming atmosphere and friendly people willing to answer questions about gender and sexuality to anyone who is questioning!' _

* * *

Louise came out as a lesbian their sophomore year of high school, and because it was Louise, it was  _ loud _ and  _ public. _

"Jesus Christ, Sam,  _ stop asking me out!" _

It didn't silence the  _ entire _ cafeteria - with as big as their school was, that would be nearly impossible - but it was as close as Becca had ever seen. Everyone nearby shut up and turned towards the shout, finding Louise Pierce (of course - it was  _ always _ Lou at the center of these things) scowling at one of the soccer players, who looked bewildered.

"But -"

"How many times do I have to say  _ no?" _ Lou demanded, standing up from the bench to glare down at him. "Okay, fine, since  _ no _ isn't working, try this - I will never date you, because I'm  _ gay." _

There was a lot of commotion after that. Becca didn't really remember how she ended up holding on to Lou's hand and running down the hall, towards the back door by the auditorium that no one except the stoner kids ever used.

"Did you mean it?" she asked, once they were outside and safely hidden behind the concession stand by the football field.

"What, that I'm gay?" Louise sounded less confident the second time it passed her lips. "I - yeah. I did. I do. I  _ am. _ Is… is that okay? Are  _ we _ okay?"

Becca gave a crooked smile and squeezed Lou's hand. "You idiot, of  _ course _ we're okay. Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

She gave a relieved laugh and shrugged. "It sounds dumb, but I was scared you would hate me."

"I could  _ never _ hate you." 

"Thank  _ god," _ Louise said, throwing her arms around Becca and squeezing tight. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

* * *

"Becs! You gotta meet someone!"

He could barely hear Lou over the noise of the party, but he would follow her anywhere. She took his hand and pulled him confidently through the crowd, weaving in and out with a sureness he envied.

It was quieter outside, barely, but at least it wasn't wall-to-wall people, and he had space to breathe.

"Becca, this is Peg. Peg, this is my girlfriend, Becca."

"Nice to meet you." Peg was a solid foot shorter than both of them, but her smile was big and bright.

"Likewise," he said, shaking her hand.

"Peg's in my English class," Louise explained. "She's the one that saved my ass that week I got the flu."

"All I did was give you copies of my notes," Peg laughed. "Hardly a heroic effort."

"I would  _ not _ have survived that test the next week without those notes, though," Lou pointed out. 

Peg rolled her eyes and looked back at him. "So, what are you majoring in?"

"Pre-med," he said. "You?"

"History, for now," she shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure yet. You want to be a doctor?"

"A surgeon, yeah."

"That's really cool!"

"Becs is  _ brilliant," _ Lou bragged, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "She's gonna be the  _ best _ surgeon in the world."

"You're  _ drunk," _ he laughed, leaning away.

"Doesn't mean I'm not right!"

He rolled his eyes fondly and put an arm around her shoulders to steady her as she swayed.

* * *

"Are you a lesbian?"

The question came a week before their high school graduation.

Becca looked up from decorating her cap with a raised eyebrow. "Why?"

Louise shrugged, still concentrating on her own cap. There was a streak of pink paint on her cheek. "Just wondering."

"Is this about the dorm? Because I already told you, I don't want to end up with some stranger -"

"No, it's not that," Lou shook her head. They had both been accepted to the same college and had already requested each other as their roommates. "I just - I'm curious. So? Are you?"

Becca considered it as she mixed up more orange paint. "I don't know. I never really thought too hard about it before. I think, if anything, I'm probably bi - I feel the same about girls as I do about boys."

"Really?"

"Yeah - why?"

Louise looked up then, chewing her lip nervously. "I - can I kiss you? Just to see?"

Becca didn't ask  _ 'to see what?' _ She gave Louise a crooked smile and nodded, sitting back away from the table.

Lou walked over and pressed her lips to Becca's, quickly and softly.

"That was nice," Becca said shyly.

"...yeah," Louise said, a blush rising on her cheeks. "It was really nice. Can I - can I do it again?"

"Yeah," Becca grinned, reaching out for her. "I'd really like you to, actually."

* * *

“I’m thinking of cutting my hair.”   
  
Lou gave him an appraising look. “How short?”

“Uh… maybe like a pixie cut?”

She tilted her head to one side, imagining it, and smiled. “I think that’d be cute.”

He grinned back, feeling lighter.

When he returned to their room a few days later, minus almost 14 inches of hair, she laughed delightedly and ran her fingers through what was left. “I had no idea your hair was so curly!”

“I didn’t either,” he laughed. “But I like it.”

“I do, too,” she grinned. “You look good, babe.”

He pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. “Thanks, Lou.”

_ I need to tell her soon. _

* * *

The summer between their junior and senior year of high school, Becca had a job at the deli nearby. With her hair up in a hairnet, wearing the same uniform as all her coworkers, and having finally stopped growing when she hit 6’3”, it wasn’t long before customers would mistake her for a man from behind.

She found that being called ‘mister’ and ‘buddy’ and even occasionally ‘deli guy’ didn’t annoy her. In fact, it was… kind of nice? Especially when little kids would call her ‘sir.’ Not only was that really adorable, it also sent a little zing of joy through her, and she wasn’t entirely sure why.

When the school year started again and she stopped working at the deli, as an experiment, she went online, looking for forums, and introduced herself with he/him pronouns.

It felt  _ good. _

She found the trans community and they welcomed ‘B’ in with open arms, using his pronouns without a second thought and giving him space to think and ask questions and look for resources.

It was through the forums that he first met Max.

Max was a drag queen, heavily involved in the protesting side of Pride, and introduced him to the concept of nonbinary people and they/them pronouns. The two became fast friends through DMs, and Max was the first person to encourage him to talk to Louise about it.

_ ‘She’s your girlfriend. If she really cares about you, she’ll support you. And if she doesn’t support you, she’s not worth your time. She already IDs as a lesbian, so she’s familiar with the community. If she turns out to be an asshole, I’ll kick her ass myself and kidnap you away to be raised in the wilds by a bunch of queens!’ _

They were amazing, and he adored them.

And they were right - he had been creeping around the topic for too long. The worst that could happen was Lou would reject him. It was still a terrible thought, but Max was right. If Lou really  _ did _ reject him, she wasn’t worth it.

* * *

Freshmen weren’t allowed to have alcohol, of course. They were all underage according to US laws.

Of course, no freshman who  _ wanted _ to drink paid attention to this.

And after bribing four different RAs, as long as people didn’t get  _ too _ rowdy, no one minded that there was a party happening in the freshman dorms after the last day of finals, because everyone had either already left, or was attending said party.

He had bought a secondhand cooler off of a couple of juniors for fifty bucks. The cooler itself was probably only worth ten, but there was a  _ lot _ of alcohol inside.

“I can’t believe you made  _ tub juice,” _ Louise laughed. “That’s so…  _ frat boy.” _

He had shrugged and laughed. “Hey, everyone else seems happy about it.”

The party was in full swing, and most people - Lou included - were holding red solo cups of the tub juice.

“You’re not having any?”

“No, I’m - I’m good.”

Tomorrow was moving out day. Lou was heading straight to California - her older sister had invited her to spend the summer - and he was going home to Boston, returning to his third summer at the deli that was only a ten minute bike ride from his parents’ house.

Lou frowned, took his hand, and wordlessly pulled him down the hall to the stairwell. They silently made their way down to the ground floor and out the side door.

“Okay,” she said, once they were outside and alone under the security light. “Spill. What’s eating you?”

So many words rose up at once that he felt like they were choking him, and he stared down at his dirty shoes in silence.

“Becca?”

The name, though spoken softly, stung fiercely. “Don’t,” he mumbled.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t - don’t call me that.”

“What should I call you then?”

He laughed, just on the edge of hysterical as he wrapped his arms around himself. “I’m not - I haven’t figured that part out yet. Just, not - not Becca. Please.”

“Okay,” Lou said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I can do that. May I ask why?”

“I -” The words once again piled up, silencing him with their amount. “I don’t… like it.”

Lou drew in a breath to respond, but he plowed on before she could, eyes still on his sneakers. 

“I’m… trans.”

He was engulfed in a sudden hug, knocking the breath out of him as Lou squeezed him tightly.

“I take it… that’s okay?” he wheezed.

_ “Yes, _ idiot,” she scoffed, still holding onto him like a vice grip. “Of course it’s okay. It’s  _ you.” _

* * *

**LouP-de-loop:** _what about Damien  
_**letssetatrap:** _what about no  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _pfft okay  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _Fred?_

He chuckled quietly. In the three weeks since their first year of college had ended, Lou had been IM’ing him every night from her sister’s apartment in California. They had had a lot of conversations about their relationship and his identity.

Since Lou was going to be out of state for the whole summer, they had agreed to put a soft hold on their relationship.

That didn’t mean they weren’t still best friends, though.

**letssetatrap:** _ Fred?  
_ **LouP-de-loop:** _ you’re the one with a damn Scooby-Doo inspired screenname   
_ **l** **etssetatrap:** _ i suppose next you’re gonna suggest Shaggy  
_ **LouP-de-loop:** _ exactly who do you take me for?  
_ **LouP-de-loop:** _ i know his real name is Norville  
_ **letssetatrap:** _ hah! _

Telling Louise had been terrifying, but he also hadn’t felt so happy and free in at least a year. She knew, and she  _ hadn’t _ rejected him. He was pretty sure the only person more thrilled by the development than him had been Max, who had sent a whole paragraph of excited words in all caps.

**letssetatrap:** _Fred and Norville are both out. I’d call myself Shaggy before either of those.  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _well, i mean, you could  
_**letssetatrap:** _what do you mean?  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _its not like there are any rules here, you know? Hell, you could call yourself ‘Let’s Set A Trap’ all the time if you really wanted.  
_**letssetatrap:** _that’d be kind of a mouthful  
_**letssetatrap:** _but you ARE right  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _of course i am haha_

He sat back and thought about it for a moment. She was right - there  _ weren’t _ any rules about what he could call himself. 

**letssetatrap:** _what about just Trap?  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _short, snappy, inspired by me… I like it!  
_**letssetatrap:** _:D  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _you do realize people will ask if you’re like an animal trapper though, right?  
_**letssetatrap:** _...i kind of like the sound of Trapper now that you mention it  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _omg  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _dork  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _Trapper McIntyre DOES have a nice ring to it  
_**letssetatrap:** _hmm i feel like its missing something though. middle name?  
_**LouP-de-loop:** _a project for tomorrow. i happen to know its very late for you right now._

He looked at the time and winced. 

**letssetatrap:** _ yeah, you’re right. Good night, Lou!  
_ **LouP-de-loop:** _ Good night, Trapper! _

He smiled so brightly that he was surprised it didn’t actually light up the room like the sun.

He was still grinning when he got into bed.

“Trapper,” he whispered to himself. “I’m Trapper. I’m a  _ guy _ and my name is  _ Trapper.” _


End file.
